A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"
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A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits.
One day, the teacher brought in a variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could imagine. "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons, and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time."
Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!"
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Nelson Mandela is at home watching TV when there is a knock at the door. A Japanese delivery man is clutching a clipboard, pointing to a truck full of car exhausts in the driveway and yelling: "you sign, you sign".
The bewildered president will do no such thing and slams the door.
The next day, the man is back, waving a clipboard under the great man's nose, sign, you sign". Nelson gets rid of the man again, but next day he's back with two truckloads of car parts, once again insisting that the president sign for the goods.
Mandela loses his temper and yells: "look, I don't want these. Do you understand? You have the wrong name".
Puzzled, the Japanese man consults his clipboard and asks: "You not Nissan Maindealer?"
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The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay.
It began: "Daddy fell into the well last week..."
"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"
"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
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A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 1997 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the fastest and most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
The dude replies, "A 1997 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000!"
"That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"'Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The old man asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, allright!"
Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 15 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe 3 times as fast!
The guy pulls over to the side of the road, totally confused, and wonders what on earth could be going faster than his Turbo BeepBeep! Then, up ahead of him, he sees a dot coming towards him like a bat out of hell!
Whooooooooooosh! It goes by again and it sort of looks like the old man on the moped! 'That couldn't be', the guy thinks. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot coming towards him in his rear view mirror!
WhooooooooshhhhhhhhKaBlaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
The guy jumps out, and be damned if it isn't the old man! Of course, the moped is smashed all over the place and the old man is hurtin' for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man replies "Yeah unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!"
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A man lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a movie theatre. As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher came over and said, "That's very rude of you, sir, taking up three seats. Didn't you learn any manners? Where did you come from?"
The man looked up helplessly and said, "The balcony!"
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Why am I always tired???
For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting there reading your damn email.
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One night, a Delta twin engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.
"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.
Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.
The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."
The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."
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Preliminary Draft of the DSM-V Committee on Cyberdisorders
The Cyber Disorders section includes disorders that have a dependency upon cyber existence as the predominant feature. The section is divided into three parts. The first part describes e-mail episodes that serve as the building blocks for the disorder diagnoses. The second part describes the Cyber Disorders themselves. The criteria sets for most of the Cyber Disorders require the presence or absence of the e-mail episodes described in the first part of the section. The third part includes the specifiers that describe either the most recent e-mail episode, or the course of recurrent episodes.
The Cyber Disorders are divided into Posting Disorders, Flaming Disorders and CC Disorders. The Posting Disorders (i.e. Lurking Disorder, Chronic Posting Disorder and Posting Disorder not Otherwise Specified) are distinguished from the Flaming Disorders by the fact that there is no history of ever having posted a Flame, or Flame-with-Apology. CC Disorders (CC-All Disorder and Spam Disorder) may include episodes of Chronic Posting, Flames, and/or Flame-With-Apologies but can be distinguished by the number of addressees.
Lurking Disorder is characterized by one or more episodes of lurking (i.e. at least two weeks of lurking or loss of interest in answering mail accompanied by at least four additional symptoms of Lurking including high on-line time balances, walking away from the computer while logged on, composing posts and deleting them without sending them, etc.)
Chronic Posting Disorder is characterized by at least 4 weeks of posting to a newsgroup or listserv more days than not, accompanied by additional Cyber symptoms such as checking mail several times per day, posts in which the content is shorter than the message header or sig, and messages of extreme anxiety when list volume drops.
Posting Disorder not Otherwise Specified is included for coding disorders with posting features that do not meet the criteria for Lurking Disorder or Chronic Posting Disorder.
Flaming Disorder is characterized by one or more episodes of hot-tempered posts, usually posted within seconds of receiving the 'trigger' message, but can be distinguished from the Flame-With-Apology in that the sender has a sincere belief that he/she is 100% correct and morally entitled to his/her
feelings of outrage. Flaming Disorder is often accompanied by Chronic Posting Disorder.
Flame-With-Apology Disorder is a milder form of the Flaming Disorder, in hich the poster sincerely apologizes for the first portion of the message and yet sends it anyway. A variation of Flame-With-Apology exists in which posters staunchly defend their position for 3 to 4 days, then abruptly back down and revert to Chronic Posting or Lurking.
The specifiers described in the third part of the section are provided to increase diagnostic specificity, create more homogeneous subgroups, assist in treatment selection, and improve the prediction of prognosis. Some of the specifiers describe the current or most recent episode (i.e. Pine, Elm, Anonymous, With Humorous Features, and With Uncomplicated Internet Access).
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Harry Swartz is on his death bed, his wife Selda is by his side:
"Selda, you've always been by my side"
"When I broke my leg at 25; you were by my side"
"When I had my first heart attack at 45; you were by my side"
"When I had my second heart attack at 65; you were by my side"
"When I broke my hip at 75; you were by my side"
"And now when I'm dying; you are at my side"...
Selda, you're a fucking jinx!!"
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A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said.
"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it." the man replied.
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If Dr. Seuss were a Technical Writer
Here's an easy game to play.
Here's an easy thing to say.
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort.
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash.
Then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
You can't say this?
What a shame, sir!
We'll find you another game, sir!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house
Says the network is connected to the button on the mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side affects of Gauss,
So your icons in the windows are so wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC.
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM Your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!
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Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on
The following reply was received...
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
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The day finally arrived: Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however and Forest approaches the gatekeeper.
Saint Peter says, "Well, Forest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is fillin up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."
Forest responds, "It shore is good to be here Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."
Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forest. But, the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?" "Second, how many seconds are there in a year?" "Third, what is God's first name?"
Forest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.
Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forest says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow!"
The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forest! That's not what I was thinking, but ... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer."
"How about the next one" says Saint Peter, "how many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second..."
"Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you're going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind. I'll give you credit for that one too."
"Let's go on with the next and final question," says Saint Peter, "Can you tell me God's first name?"
Forest says, "Well shore, I know God's first name. Everbody probly knows it. It's Howard."
"Howard?" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you think it's Howard'?"
Forest answers, "It's in the prayer."
"The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?"
"The Lord's Prayer," responds Forest: "Our Father who art in heaven, Howard be thy name..."
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Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beers. All of a sudden the driver notices the lights flashing in his mirror; cops are on his tail.
His buddy says, "What are we going to do?"
The driver says, "Don't you worry. Just do exactly what I say and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off the beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do all the talking!"
They pull over and the cop walks up to their car. He looks at them kind of funny and asks to see the driver's license. Then he asks him, "Have you been drinking?" "Oh, no, sir," the driver replies. "I noticed you were weaving back and forth across the highway." "You sure you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks.
"OH, no sir" the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight!" "Well, I must ask," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?" "That's easy, Officer sir," says the drunk. "You see, we're both alcoholics, and we're on the Patch!"
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A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball- don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses! Allright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in."
They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.
A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you- I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.
"Consider it done." the genie replied.
"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"35." she replied.
"And he still believes in genies - that's amazing."
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An old couple go to the doctor for their yearly physicals. One at a time, the doctor brings them into the examination room, starting with the husband.
"Well, Mr. Smith, you're in great shape for a man your age." says the doctor.
The man replies, "Well doc, I don't drink, I don't smoke, and the good Lord looks out for me."
"What do you mean?" asks the doctor.
The old man says, "For instance, last night in the middle of the night, I had to get up to go to the bathroom -- and the good Lord turned on the light for me so I wouldn't fall down."
"That's nice." said the doctor, confused. "Send your wife in now, please."
The wife comes in and the doc says, "Mrs. Smith, you're in great shape for a woman your age."
She then says, "Well, doc, I don't drink, I don't smoke ..."
The doctor interrupts, "And the good Lord looks after you, right?"
The woman is confused and says, "What are you talking about?"
The doctor explains, "Your husband was just telling me the same thing. He said that the good Lord looks after him. Like last night when he had to go to the bathroom, the good Lord turned the light on for him."
"Damn!" she yelled, "So he's pissing in the refrigerator again!"
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