--- By Rod Schmidt ---
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "Yes".
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer. It was made of grass.
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
I had amnesia once or twice.
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
I got a chain letter by FAX. It's very simple. You just FAX a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
The sky is falling. The sun is rising.
The sky is falling... No, I'm tipping over backwards.
The sky already fell. Now what?
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
If you take a oriental and turn him around so he faces west, does he become disoriented?
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
Smoking cures weight problems... Eventually...
I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
I saw a want ad. Light housekeeping. They said, "Here, change this bulb". I said, "I'll need some friends".
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.
I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."
There aren't enough days in the weekend.
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper. Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.
Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.
Is "tired old cliche" one?
if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
I Xerox'ed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
I Xerox'ed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.
I Xerox'ed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.
I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."
I had my coat hangers spayed.
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
I went to a fancy French restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
--- More Look-Alikes ---
I got a calculator and now I can't add without it. I got a spell checker and I can't write without it anymore. I got a blow dryer and now my hair won't dry on its own.
Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time. Use enough to get it up to, say, 10 or 12-D.
I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.
Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one in the leather jacket." She said, "I'll be the one drinking sake." Turned out it was one of those biker-sushi places. We never met.
Wrote my own communications software in LISP. Got a phone bill for a thousand dollars. My computer keeps calling itself.
Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.
I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.
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